Depression in men does not alway look the way we expect it should. We tend to think of it as an oppressive sadness. In the media it is frequently shown as a lack of energy, a desire to withdraw from the world, and uncontrollable crying. These can all be true about depression, but they are only part of the picture. In fact, depression often manifests very differently for men than women.
Depression Can Rob You of Years of Life
Depression is a loss of vitality.
This loss can show up many different ways. Overt sadness, loss of energy and motivation, a loss of pleasure in enjoyable events, and a tendency to withdraw from social support are all symptoms of depression. Others you might be less familiar with: irritability and anger, difficulty sleeping, increased sleeping, loss of appetite, increased appetite, poor performance at work, difficulty concentrating, physical pain, increased drinking or substance use, or even relationship problems.
It’s rare for a man to come into my office, of his own volition, and say: I’m depressed. They tend to come in because their partner has urged them to, or because they are confused and frustrated about some aspect of their life that isn’t working. They will say, I’m under a lot of pressure, or I’m feeling really stressed out.
Men do Their Best to Hide Their Pain
Men receive both open and covert messages throughout their life that they should be strong, brave, competent and silent about what is going on inside. Especially if it might make them look “weak.” Because they tend to be emotionally uncommunicative, and because their role in the relationship as the “problem-solver” and the “doer-of-things” is reinforced by the women in their life just as much as it is by other men, the first apparent sign of depression might be tasks going uncompleted. Conversations between partners are likely to start off as complaints, which men will tend to hear as criticisms.
“I’m worried about you,” might sound like, “why do you keep messing up?”
So they turn inward and say, “I’m fine.” or “I don’t want to talk about it.”
If only that worked. You can’t wish away your suffering. Pretending it isn’t there only gives it more power over you. Shutting out your partner only reinforces your loneliness.
Covert Suffering Takes Many Forms
- Increased or problematic use of alcohol or other substances
- Increased anger, irritability and relationship conflict
- Worsening anxiety or worries about the future
- Decreased sex drive
- Increased risk-taking behavior
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Disturbed sleep
- Increased or decreased appetite
- Pain (especially in the neck, shoulders and back)
- Emotional withdrawal from relationships
- Increased and chronic stress
- Suicides
There are Serious Consequences to Ignoring Depression
Depression doesn’t always get better with time. You can spend years, even decades in a state of depression. The more time you spend depressed, the more your brain gets “wired” for it, making it more likely you will get depressed again. Men with depression are more prone to infection, get sick more often and require longer periods of recovery. They are more likely to die of heart disease or cancer, and have a decreased life expectancy.
Men are more likely to attempt suicide and when they do, more likely to succeed at killing themselves.
It Isn’t Your Fault, and You Are Not Alone
Sometimes, the hardest part of treating depression in men is convincing them that they didn’t do anything wrong.
You aren’t depressed because you made the wrong decisions, or weren’t trying hard enough, and you certainly aren’t depressed due to a character flaw or because you are weak.
Depression is a function of your brain, and you have no more choice in the matter than if you had epilepsy.
There are times when medication is very helpful, but it isn’t always, and is never the first step in treatment.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a mindfulness-based approach to treatment, is a research-backed protocol for lessening the effects of depression and building more successful strategies to reclaiming your life.
Don’t let your depression trick you into thinking that no one can help. Don’t let it lie to you about your future. Contact me for a free phone consultation and take your first step back toward a better life.