There’s a cliche that women become mothers the moment they discover they’re pregnant. Men become fathers when they first hold their child. I like this cliche, and I use it with my clients, to highlight the visceral difference in experience between men and women (or between the partner who carries the child and the partner who doesn’t). New mothers often feel alone in the burden of parenthood with many unspoken assumptions of their role as primary researcher and “nest builder,” while their partners appear to drift through the pregnancy with few concerns and less engagement.
I like that cliche also, because it feels very accurate for men’s experience of having their first child.
Becoming a Father is a Transformative Experience
I remember holding my son for the first time, and thinking, very profoundly: Holy shit.
That thought followed soon after by, my god, I would murder the world for this kid.
And a little later: What have I done. Who put me in charge of this baby? Who thought this was a good idea?
Becoming a parent is the beginning of a life long journey of exploration, growth, frustration, worry, excitement and joy. It can be the best, most meaningful, most important thing you’ll ever do. It can also be one of the hardest challenges you will ever face.
Many new fathers struggle with issues such as:
- Anxiety or Panic
- Depression
- Anger
- Stress
- Decreased sex drive (or facing their partner’s decreased sex drive)
- Relationship difficulties (lost intimacy, increased conflict or emotional distance)
- Having difficulty connecting with infants or young children
- Feeling lost, or excluded from the new baby experience
- Feeling abandoned by their partner, who is now more focused on the baby
- Strained interpersonal relationships with co-workers or family members
- Struggling with changed expectations of acceptable behavior
- Alcohol or substance use
- Struggling with the burden of their own upbringing (past abuse, neglect, trauma, or strained relationships)
You Don’t Have to be Perfect
If you find yourself checking off on or more of the items on the above list, don’t worry. It just means you’re normal, and that you are sharing that same struggle with many other men.
Becoming the father you want to be does not require that you first “fix,” everything in you that doesn’t measure up. Luckily, we don’t need to be a perfect parent. We just need to be “good enough” so that we give them what they need to thrive, while not being so perfect that we don’t allow our children to develop resiliency by overcoming challenge.
Being the father you want to be is a choice you make day after day, hour after hour to enact the behaviors that reflect your values.
This is easily said, but difficult to do—and you’ll never do it perfectly.
You Have an Important Job to do
And no, I don’t mean bringing home a paycheck. Fathers and mothers naturally occupy different roles in their kids lives. I’d hazard that this is cultural rather than biological, so your mileage may vary. Research has shown that men allow babies and young children to explore further, and take more risks than mothers typically allow. Their play tends to be more physical and excitatory. They have an important role in modeling male behavior to the child—not only for boys to emulate, but for all children to create their first conceptions of interpersonal relationships. The cliche that we “marry our parents” isn’t true, but we do seek out relationships that look and feel like our parents’ relationship did (or we seek it’s opposite). Children look to the relationship between their parents (married or not) and form the idea: that’s how people who care about each other treat each other. That’s how people connect emotionally. That’s what’s important in a relationship.
See where we’re headed here?
If you didn’t have a good model in your childhood, that’s ok. You’re not doomed to become your parent any more than you were doomed to marry them. If, you’re trying to be significantly different than your model, you will have to do that on purpose. It won’t come naturally, and it won’t necessarily be easy. You’ll have to figure out what you think is important, and how you behave to reflect those values.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can Help
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a mindfulness-based and research-validated approach to increasing psychological flexibility and resilience. Through work and intentional practice, you can learn to:
- Alleviate your anxiety.
- Develop a practice of self-care and self-compassion.
- Decrease outbursts of anger and learn to engage your anger as a positive force.
- Take what you need from your upbringing, and leave in the past what you do not want.
- Decide what kind of father you want to be, and enact the practice that will achieve that goal.
- Reduce and manage your experience of stress.
- Learn how to identify your own needs and develop the ability to communicate them to your partner.
- Reengage with your relationship so that it continues to grow and flourish.
It is normal, even expected, for couples to experience some relationship distress in the first year of parenthood. Couples therapy can help smooth out the rough patches, and help you navigate back to solid ground.