Discernment Counseling
How Do You Know When It’s Time to Let Go?
All relationships end. Some last a lifetime, others do not. There’s been decades of debate about the rising divorce rate, what it might mean, and how it can be reversed. I’m not sure that it should be.
When I look at the data, I see people committed to making the right decision for themselves and their partners. Everyone wants to be loved and cherished. If you can’t offer that to your partner, letting them go allows them to find someone else who would be ecstatic to be with them.
It was once believed that divorce was harmful to children. We now know that’s not true. Children of divorced parents do equally well on all measures of long-term wellness, controlling for issues like SES, and as long as the parents can maintain a cordial, and respectful relationship.
Conversely, when parents can’t model a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship, their marriage is no protection for their children.
The Effects of Ambivalence
Couples therapy is not always effective. There are a lot of reasons why this might be so, but one of the bigger ones is ambivalence. When one partner cannot commit to staying in the relationship, they in effect have a different goal. One person is trying to change the relationship, while the other is trying to evaluate it in its current state.
If I ask the “leaning-out” partner, to make a difficult change, chances are high that they won’t. This results in a failure of the tools offered, which may inadvertently reinforce the idea that the relationship can’t get better.
Meanwhile, the “leaning-in” partner may get increasingly desperate and engage in strategies that make the situation worse.
Discernment counseling helps move out of ambivalence.
The Problem of Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)
Imagine that you have an emotional bank account. Every time a positive thing happens in your relationship, you make a deposit into your account.
Withdrawals are negative events, or anytime your partner really needs something from you.
As long as the account stays in the black (i.e. more deposits than withdrawals), you’ll have a positive bias toward the relationship. Gottman calls this Positive Sentiment Override or PSO. Unfortunately, the human brain is hard-wired to assign more importance and significance to negative events than it does to positive ones. This is a survival trait. While good at keeping you alive, it’s not so great at keeping you happy. Because of this filter, we need a ratio of five positive events for each negative one to stay in PSO.
If you have that, then you will conceptualize your relationship in positive terms. You’ll see your partner as ultimately good, and you are more likely to interpret events as positive—thus reinforcing the bias.
If the account gets overdrawn, you can end up in a negative feedback loop. You are twice as likely to interpret events as negative, than you are to see them as positive. This is Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). You’ll think of your relationship in negative terms, think of your partner as selfish or uncaring, and you’re less likely to notice the positive events.
People in Negative Sentiment will most commonly describe their relationship as lonely.
It’s hard to make the right decision in this environment
Dr. Bill Doherty, a relationship researcher at the University of Minnesota, developed Discernment Counseling as a response to the NSO trap. His goal was to help clients get unstuck from that negative ambivalence.
Partners in NSO are less likely to have an accurate view of ways in which the relationship can improve. They are also unlikely to see themselves as having the power to make those changes.
Discernment Counseling is NOT couples therapy
Couples therapy has a stated goal of helping your relationship stay together. Discernment is interested solely in the decision itself. The discernment counselor has no stake in what decision you make, only in your belief that you have the tools you need to reach the best conclusion.
It is a short-term and goal-oriented approach comprising two to six sessions. The counselor splits each session, spending half with the leaning-out partner and half with the leaning-in partner. The couples will spend about 10 minutes in the room together.
The Leaning-In Partner
Time spent with the leaning-in partner focuses on providing support and advice on how they can maximize the chance of getting the outcome they want.
This often includes addressing their contribution to what wasn’t working in the relationship, and how they might build themselves an awesome life that their partner might want to join with them.
The Leaning-Out Partner
Time spent with the leaning-in partner focuses on gaining clarity for the decision to stay or leave.
This often includes exploring their contribution to what wasn’t working (that they will want to address in this relationship or in their next), as well as realistic expectations of what couples therapy can fix–and what it can’t.
You have three paths before you. Which will you choose?
At the end of each session, we’ll discuss the decision, and if you desire another session. Ultimately, you are choosing one of three paths:
Path One: You stay together and make no changes. Things continue as they have been. (Spoiler Alert: no one wants that one.)
Path Two: You choose not to stay together and begin taking steps toward separation or divorce.
Path Three: You commit to at least six months of intensive couples therapy. Note, that even then, you’re not committing to being in the relationship long term, only to trying for a set amount of time.
What happens next?
If you choose path one, it would be a first. It would also be the end of our work together.
For path two, as I don’t offer divorce counseling, it would also be the end of our work together.
On path three you transition into Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Some couples prefer to get a fresh start with a new counselor, and in that case, I’m happy to provide referrals.
We Can Help You!
At Wise Mind Counseling, we rely on Evidence-Based Protocols backed by decades of research to help you change your relationship with the struggles in your life. We can help you identify where you’re getting stuck, or employing strategies that are not good for your long-term happiness and wellbeing. With that insight, we’ll help you develop better strategies, and build the practices and habits that will get you where you want to go.
Daniel Brake, LMFT-S
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Clinical Supervisor
T/F: 9am - 3pm | W/Th: 10am - 6pm
Keeley Arnecke, LMFT Associate
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Associate
Monday - Wednesday: 10am - 7pm