Maybe you recognize that you get angry over things you shouldn’t, or that your reactions are bigger than the situation warrants. Or perhaps you were surprised to be told you are “too angry,” or that you need anger management. Even if you’re convinced you’re not an angry person, it’s worth examining the ways you express yourself when frustrated.
You do not have an anger problem
Anger is a completely normal emotion, one that we all experience. It isn’t good or bad, just another part of our experience. Like all emotions we find unpleasant, it is our attempts to control or avoid it that cause problems.
Anger typically has one job—to alert you to an unmet need.
Our mistake is in thinking that we shouldn’t feel anger. We then compound that error by thinking either, “I shouldn’t get angry,” or “You should behave differently so that I don’t have to feel angry.”
You may have an aggression problem
Aggression is the outward set of behaviors that you may be using to express your anger. Like anger, aggression is normal and can be positive. Aggressive behavior in competition or business may make the difference between success and failure. Aggressive behavior in your interpersonal relationships will not serve you well.
What has been the effect of aggression on your life?
- In arguments, do you ever do or say things you later regret? Do you become physical with others or throw, break or strike objects?
- Have you ever lost a job or missed out on a promotion or opportunity due to aggressive behavior at work?
- If someone cuts you off in traffic, do you seethe, yell or drive in an unsafe manner?
- When you are angry, are your loved ones afraid of you?
If you answered yes to any of these (or similar) questions, then your aggression may be creating more problems for you than it solves. Counseling can help you learn to separate the experience of anger from the acts of aggression. You can learn how to curb problematic behaviors and find better solutions for meeting your needs.
Increased anger and aggression may be signs of chronic stress or even depression.
Is someone in your life saying you’re too angry?
Most of the men I see for anger management are not there of their own volition. Often, they come in because they have gotten an ultimatum from employers or loved ones. Change or else. It’s normal to feel justified in your experience of anger. When you feel threatened, unheard or disrespected, anger is an understandable reaction.
The anger you feel is an important signal that something isn’t right in your relationship or your life. This is a message you can’t afford to ignore. Individual or couples counseling can help you understand that message, identify what you need to change, and create a plan of action for getting what you want.
If your anger only shows up in your relationship, then it might be the result of interactional dynamics between you and your partner rather than an “internal problem”. Couples therapy is often the most effective treatment for anger in relationships.