The good news: Research shows that a majority of marriages do not end after the discovery of an affair. The bad news: That doesn’t mean that the relationship survives.
Mourning the loss of what you had, without destroying your future together can be a tricky path to navigate.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. You’ve just had your feet knocked out from under you. Here’s how to take care of yourself in this new environment.
Discovering Infidelity is Traumatic
The most common complaint I hear from clients who have experienced a betrayal, whether that is physical, emotional or financial is:
“I feel like I don’t know who my partner is.”
This makes a lot of sense. We build maps of who the other person is and how they will behave based on our experience with them. When we find out they have acted out of character, or been deceitful, our brain starts to doubt everything we know about them. This is your brain in survival mode.
The second most common thing I hear is:
“I go from ok to sobbing to full of rage.”
This is where we can say that the discovery of infidelity is like a trauma, and we respond to it like we would a trauma: with fear, sadness, helplessness, numbness, and anger. What you’re experiencing is normal.
Their Affair is Not Your Fault
Affairs happen in relationships experiencing distress. Affairs also happen in relationships that are working just fine, where both people report being happy. If your partner chose to have an affair, or chose to deceive you, then that is their choice and their responsibility. You’re probably not perfect, they no doubt have legitimate complaints about your behavior or the state of the relationship. That is a different conversation.
Find Connection and Support
It used to be the expectation that you would stay together even in the face of an infidelity. There was a lot of shame attached to divorce. Now, the opposite is true. Many clients report feeling isolated when they want to work on the relationship. They start withdrawing from their social groups and hobbies. They are afraid to tell friends and family because they don’t want to hear people telling them to leave, or judging them for staying.
Repairing the relationship will be a long and difficult journey. You will need support, and not just from your partner. Find a trusted friend, family member, or therapist you can confide in and who will encourage you in your decision.
Provide Your Own Care
If you and your partner are staying together, you will be requiring certain things from them. However, if you are waiting for their behaviors to make you feel better, you are signing yourself up for a long wait. Don’t let go of the habits that keep you well, that help you feel recharged and sane. If you don’t yet have any, now is a good time to start. It doesn’t matter if it is exercise, meditation, therapy, yoga, cooking classes or pedicures. Find activities (some social) that you can do just for you, because you deserve to be taken care of in this challenging time.
Be wary of “short term fixes” like increased alcohol use that help you not feel, but may cause you harm in the long run.
Decide What You Want the Outcome to be, and Work Toward It.
Remember that part about being in survival mode? Those feelings of rage, depression and confusion can make it easy to be reactionary. Your fear may set you digging for details, or monitoring their every move. These are understandable strategies, but they rarely get you what you want — which is to feel safe, respected and back to normal.
Take some time to think about what you want the outcome to be. This may take a while.
If what you want is a new and stronger relationship with the same person, some of those behaviors I just mentioned will be counter to your goal. An experienced Couples Therapist can help you navigate this process and start you toward the healing you want.
Have your partner read my article on what to do as the participating partner: How to Talk to Your Partner About Infidelity.
By the time they come to see me, most couples have tried to figure it out on their own. While it can be done, it’s hard to do right and you only get one chance to do it really right. Your fear will demand answers now, but a little bit of restraint now can help you skip a lot of pain later.
I developed the ACT Infidelity protocol based on decades of relationship research, and my own clinical experience helping couples navigate and recover from infidelity. It provides a structured approach to understand the affair (how and why it happened), rebuild trust and safety in the relationship, and address any underlying concerns to build resilience for your shared future.