Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a process of communication created by Marshall B. Rosenberg that allows us to connect with others in a more compassionate and empathetic way. NVC brings to surface the importance of language in our everyday interactions and calls us to make conscious responses to others based on perceptions, feelings, and needs.
The Four Components of NVC
There are four basic components to NVC that include observations, feelings, needs, and requests. What concrete actions are we observing around us that impact our well-being? How do we feel based on what we have observed? What need, desire, or value created those feelings? Lastly, how can we make requests of others that are going to enrich our lives? These components all interact together to create the foundation of NVC.
Our Language Shapes Our Thinking
NVC not only challenges us to change the way we talk to one another, it also challenges us to change the way we think and perceive the world around us. In other words, NVC is not just a process of communication where words are simply exchanged. We must reframe our thinking so that we are able to genuinely express ourselves and be empathetic to what others are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. NVC is truly an amazing process that empowers us to connect with one another in a compassionate way.
How to Calm The Jackal and Put on Your Giraffe Ears
Marshall Rosenberg conceptualized our tendency toward aggression and dominance as a jackal, while our more compassionate side he imagined as a giraffe (since it has the largest heart of any land animal). When we listen with Jackal ears, we hear complaints as criticisms and requests as demands. Our interactions with others feel like a Zero-Sum Proposition, which predisposes us against vulnerability and compassion. When faced with a demand, collaboration isn’t possible. You either submit or you resist. Neither feels good, nor works well in a long-term relationship.
Conversely, when we put on our Giraffe ears, when we listen with more compassion. We are more likely to hear the feelings and the needs behind what someone is saying. We’re more likely to see those needs as being understandable and reasonable, and not at all in competition with our own. When we have understanding and empathy, compromise and collaboration become easy.
Nonviolent Communication in Therapy
With couples, NVC bridges the gap in understanding between partners. It also helps counter the negative stories that build up about the other person:
“They’re selfish.”
“They’re not trying as hard as I am to make this work.”
“They don’t care about me.”
These stories discourage us from being vulnerable and trusting the other person, and they prevent us from making needed changes. When we can replace those stories with greater understanding, more change is possible.
For individuals, NVC can challenge our assumptions about others, and about the world—and thereby decrease our suffering. When the guy cutting me off in traffic stops being “an asshole” and starts being a person going through something bad in their own life, it releases me from my anger. When I can recognize that my difficulty in keeping my house clean isn’t “laziness” but a struggle for motivation, or a need for “rest and recovery,” the self-compassion I gain not only relieves my suffering, it makes it more likely that I can find a way to meet that need AND keep my house clean.
Whether you’re looking for Couples Therapy or Individual Counseling, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help you create the life you want to live.