Many men hesitate to go to therapy. Some worry that it makes them look weak, or crazy. Most simply think it won’t work for them. A lot of talking about feelings, or my mother, isn’t going to help me figure out how to be happy at work or quit fighting with my partner. Besides, shouldn’t I be able to figure this out on my own?

In my practice I work with a lot of men, both in couples therapy and individually. I’ve come to understand some things about the struggles that many men face in our modern society—and why their instinctual responses to those problems rarely help.

Men are unhappy

Guys often suffer under this myth:

My job on this earth (or in this relationship) is to solve problems and accomplish tasks. If I’m good at it, then I will be loved and accepted.

Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. It’s one of the most powerful motivations for human behavior. However, if you have the core belief that you have to work to be loved and accepted, your self-worth will always be up for debate.

When men are unhappy, they tend to think of it as stress and frustration. They think of the suffering they experience as a problem to be solved–and when they can’t figure it out, they wonder, what’s wrong with me?

Without the outlets and and emotional vocabulary that most women enjoy, men have no choice but to internalize their struggle. Depression and anxiety are frequently the result of this strategy.

Men have difficulty in intimate relationships

Intimate partners are always asking each other two fundamental questions: Do you love me? and Who’s in charge?

For many men, the answer to the second question is easy: I am. That may feel natural. Even if they weren’t overtly told this when they were young, the culture at large is full of this message for men. The problem is, dominance doesn’t leave very much room for closeness or love.

For others, the picture gets a bit complicated. Many men find acceptance by “taking care” of others. This may require them to put off or deny their own needs, which can easily lead to resentment. They might do everything in their power to keep their partner happy, or to avoid conflict, and be continually surprised when this doesn’t garner them the respect and care they want. So they may feel both disempowered in their partnership and entitled to dominance. Neither feeling is conducive to intimacy, but they are a good formula for anger.

And then there’s love. In general, there are three emotions that men are comfortable with: anger, contentment and pride. Fear, sadness, defeat, longing, affection and all the rest are thought of as a little bit…unmanly.

That doesn’t mean they don’t feel those things. Men have access to the full range of human emotions (they are human after all). All you have to do is watch young boys to see that. They’ve just been told so many times that they shouldn’t have those feelings, that they have difficulty tolerating them. So they attempt to control their feelings, and their relationship by withdrawing from or dominating their partner. They do this with many contradictory strategies: shutting down conversations, being unavailable, invalidating their partner’s feelings and complaints, caring for others (while ignoring their own needs), or responding with anger.

Many men believe that the vulnerability and connection parts of a relationship are optional, which makes it very difficult for them to have the relationship they actually want.

Men over identify with “logic” and “rationality.”

I’ve heard it a thousand times. Men proudly, sometimes smugly, saying: She’s more emotional and reactive, I’m more logical and rational. There’s a lot wrong with that sentence.

  • It’s inaccurate: Multiple studies have shown that humans rarely use logic and rationality in our decision making, and when we try, it leads to poor results. “Gut feel” decisions that rely on our instinctual or irrational processes are faster, more accurate, and have better results. When asked what the “logical” or “rational” choice is to a question, people will choose the answer they happen to agree with (irrespective of evidence or the lack there of), while they will label the choice they disagree with as irrational.
  • It’s misogynistic: I know that a lot of people feel allergic to that word, and for many it’s their cue to dismiss whatever sentence comes next. Bear with me. The statement, “I’m rational, she’s emotional” is inherently biased toward what is seen as valuable to men and against what is seen as valuable to women. Emotions are labeled as lesser than–less valid, less valuable, and less desirable. That’s very convenient for men, who tend to have a lot less skill at emotional expression than women. Still disagree with the label of misogyny? That’s fine, let’s use a different one. It’s contemptuous, and disrespectful. It devalues what your partner sees as important. and that brings us to our last point.
  • It’s unhelpful and irrelevant: Let’s say for arguments sake that you are one of the few truly logical people. Let’s say also that your adherence to logical and rational answers comes not from a place of disrespect but of value. Great. How’s that working out for you? I’m guessing, if you’re still reading, the answer is: it’s not. The “logical” answer is only logical if it works. If it doesn’t, sticking with it is irrational. Or, it’s irrelevant. After all, a relationship based solely on logic and rationality would be unbearably boring.

Pursue the life you deserve

Therapy can help you identify the strategies that are getting in your way and teach you a new approach that works better. It won’t make you weak, or crazy. It is simply a tool for getting you where you want to go. You can be the man you want to be, the father you want to be, and the partner you want to be. You can have the life you want to live.

Along the way you’ll also learn how to:

  • Accept, and even like, yourself for who you truly are
  • Make your needs a priority
  • Find your power and use it effectively
  • Feel more comfortable with your masculinity
  • Start getting the love you want
  • Build strong and resilient relationships
  • Have more satisfying sex
  • Tap into your passion to build the career and the life that you want

Couldn’t you just figure out all of this on your own? Of course, there’s nothing magical going on here, but why make it so hard on yourself? If your car is making a weird noise, you take it to the mechanic. Trouble with your toilet? Call a plumber. Legal trouble? A lawyer might help. Therapy is simply employing a specially trained expert for a specific purpose. And like a plumber or a lawyer, you don’t want to need them. But if you do, it sure is nice to have them.